Disappointed

I feel quite disappointed with you. Perhaps you can't see the reason why I have this feeling since I never tell you. You may wonder why I have chosen to hide my feelings. It is because I know you will definitely do all the things that I have expected in order to please me. But this is not what I want. It is meaningless for me to tell you what I wish you to do. I just don't want to be let down for so many times.

I am not going to tell you why I am disappointed. You shall find out the reason by yourself.

Some feelings

I can hardly believe that I will leave Hong Kong three weeks later. I don't know how to describe my feelings through words. Excited? Nervous? Upset? I really have no idea.

Of course I am excited to go to the USA because I know that studying abroad will be a very precious experience in my life. And also, I will have to learn to be independent because nobody is going to take care of me. I feel nervous too as I am not good at socializing with new people.

I get to feel a bit upset because I will miss my family very much. And also, all my relatives, friends and teachers. I will miss my home and lots of other things.

I am so glad that my mom will go to the USA with me. She will come back to Hong Kong when everything is settled down. Hopefully, I won't cry when she leaves.

Preparation . Appreciation

Discussed the programme for a "concert" with my cellist friend. So far we have decided which sonatas we are going to play. Still need to think of some more pieces.

It is a piece of cake to appreciate music in a concert that lasts for one and a half hour. Yet, it is extremely difficult to prepare a repertoire for a concert, especially all the pieces are so demanding.

Fame

I had a meeting with the director of my programme this evening and I told her about my intention to leave the programme. Of course she asked me which school I am going to. When she heard the name of my school, she immediately said, "What? Why this school? Why? It is located in the middle part of the USA. Why do you choose this school?"

Almost all the people I have met ask me the same questions. They always think that the schools in the middle part of the USA (except for U of Michigan) are not good. Some of them even look down on those schools because they are not famous. They always ask me why I don't choose those top music schools such as Juilliard, Oberlin etc. I think these people are very ignorant as they only care about the fame. I always believe that not all students in a famous school are good. For studying music, the most important thing is to find a teacher that you can work with. Of course, it is true that famous schools have more good teachers. However, that doesn't mean these teachers suit you. Some professors in the top schools assume that the students all have a good foundation and they don't work with the students in a very detailed way. They spend much time to work with the best students at school. It always turns out that those students who are not the best are being "neglected" and they are not able to gain much knowledge. Apparently, they have a nice certificate when they graduate but they don't really play their instruments very well.

I don't have a good foundation and I think those top music schools don't really suit me at this stage. The undergraduate course is the most suitable time to build up a good foundation before promoting to graduate school. There is still a large room for improvement on my techniqus and musical expression. Besides, I met a good teacher when I went to music camp. This professor is very supportive in my admittance to his school. I don't think I should apply for other schools just because of their fames. Not only I will offend the professor, this will also give him a bad impression of Hong Kong students. I can't predict whether I will have a good school life at this university. Yet, I believe that I need to try before I have to do something that displeases a professor. If I really don't like this university, still it won't be too late for me to transfer to another school after year 1 because I am younger than most year 1 students.

Indeed, in the USA, people don't really care whether you study at a famous school for undergraduate. Graduate school is a lot more important. But sadly, most Hong Kong people don't understand the relationship between the ability of a student and the standard of a school. They only care about the fame.

Is fame really that essential?

I am 16 going on 17

Tomorrow will be my birthday.

My classmates celebrated my birthday with me in advance this afternoon. We had a birthday cake for lunch instead of canteen food. One of my friends composed a "Birthday Song" which was dedicated to my 17th Birthday. It was a duet for piano and violin. This song was premiered in the "birthday party" and my friend played the violin part by himself. It was my first time to receive a composition as a birthday gift and it was very special to me. I also received presents and greetings from my other friends as well.

The "birthday party" was held in a hurry as we had less than one hour for lunch on Friday but I was very happy. I felt sorry for the boys as one piece of cake for lunch was not enough at all.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. The age, 17, reminds me of the song "Sixteen Going On Seventeen" from the musical "The Sound of Music".

Song: Sixteen Going On Seventeen
Music: Rodgers and Hammerstein

(Rolf)
You wait little girl
On an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on

Your life little girl
is an empty page
that men will want to write on

(Leisl)
To write on

(Rolf)
You are 16 going on 17
Baby its time to think
Better beware
Be canny and careful
Baby you're on the brink

You are 16 going on 17
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads
And grueways and cads
Will offer you fruit and wine

Totally unprepared are you
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken

You need someone
Older and wiser
Telling you what to do
I am 17 going on 18
I'll take care of you

(Leisl)
I am 16 going on 17
I know that i'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe

I am 16 going on 17 innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies
Drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those

Totally unprepared am I
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken

I need someone
Older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are 17 going on 18
I'll depend on you

Elgar . Rostropovich

Some time ago I tried to find a recording of Rostropovich playing Elgar Cello Concerto but I couldn't find it. I always thought that he didn't record this concerto until my cellist friend borrowed the CD to me this morning.

Literally, I was a bit disappointed with Rostropovich's recording. I don't mean that his playing was not good but I just felt a bit weird when listening to it. As I am not up to the standard to criticise Rostropovich's playing, so I would just say that I don't like his style. Perhaps this concerto is not suitable for Rostropovich to play.

It is good to hear different cellist's playings. However, I definitely won't recommend Rostropovich for Elgar Cello Concerto. Du Pre is still my first choice.

A conversation

I have theory class every Friday. We mainly focus on counterpoint in this semester. Counterpoint is a very complicated topic and there are lots of rules to memorise. Therefore, the teacher has to go over the previous assignments with us one by one. This morning, same as usual, I went out to the teacher's when she called my name. She started a conversation and her prologue was definitely a big surprise to me.

Teacher: Your perfume smells very nice. What brand is it?
Me: ...... Uh... Anna Sui.
Teacher: Really? Which fragrance?
Me: I can't remember. Secret Love? Or Secret Magic? hould be something like that, haha.
Teacher: Haha, I see. I'll have to buy it when I go to duty-free next time.
Me: Well, I didn't buy it. It was a gift actually.
Teacher: That's perfect!! It'll be even nicer to have more!!
Me: Haha, yeah......

Later when I got home, I checked the package of the perfume. It should be Anna Sui Secret Wish Magic Romance.

New pieces

The student recital is over. I can say goodbye to the three accompaniment pieces and my Liszt Hungarian Rhapsody. I was satisfied with my overall performance. Of course, there is still a large room for improvement for the Liszt. It is a very difficult piece, both technically and musically. One of my schoolmates said that I had chosen an excellent work. Liszt Hungarian Rhapsody No.6 is not a very long piece but it consists of contrasting elements and it is very showy. That's why it is quite good to play it in a small recital.

I don't have to practise the Liszt Hungarian Rhapsody temporarily. It is time to start working on the new solo and accompaniment pieces.

1.Beethoven Sonata in E major, Op.109
2.Elgar Cello Concerto in E minor, Op.85, 1st and 4th mvt
3.Paganini Introduction and Variations on a theme from Rossini's 'Moses'
4.Tchaikovsky Pezzo Capriccioso
5.Mendelssohn Violin Concerto

A good friend

It was so unexpecting that R asked me whether I was in a relationship when talking on the phone last night. He was so shocked when he heard the word "yes". Indeed R knows my boyfriend G but I know that he always thought that it was G's brother, S, who had a crush on me. Probably it was because S asked me to be his accompanist.

I could feel that R was unhappy when he knew that I have a boyfriend already though he tried very hard to hide his feelings. I could do nothing except for making an excuse to hang up.

I don't know what R would think but I still treat him as a good friend. And I treasure the friendship between us.

New flat

Going to move to the new flat next weekend. I have lived in my current flat for almost 17 years. I am sure that I will miss it very much.

I wonder if I should feel excited to move to the new flat. The new flat is slightly larger and it has a small balcony in which my current flat doesn't have one. The most important thing is that there will be a Steinway grand in the dining room. I have two uprights at home already. My brother and I insist not to sell any one of them. And the grand piano will arrive at Hong Kong soon. There will be three pianos at my new home. Last but not least, I can have my own laptop in my bedroom.

October

To me, October means lots of things to be done. I dare not write down a list because I am afraid that the list will be endless.

25 days till student recital. I have to work hard on the Liszt Hungarian Rhapsody and three accompanying pieces. Besides, there are pretty much homework and tests.

Other students get lazier in October. I arrive at school at around 8:15a.m. every day and I practise piano for a while before the lessons start. Last month, I would find a few students already practising their instruments when I arrived at the practice rooms in the morning. However, starting from October, it is very quiet around the practice rooms in the morning. I become the student that is responsible for turning on the lights in the areas outside practice rooms. With no doubt, it is something good because I don't have to fight for a grand piano with anybody. The most important thing is that no one disturbs me from practice.

When You're Gone

Song Title: When You're Gone
Artist: Avril Lavigne

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lye
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok

I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
and the clothes you left, that lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok

I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah yeah
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me Yeah...

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And When you're gone
The words I need to hear, will always get me through the day
And make it ok

I miss you...........

Fate

By a twist of fate, we knew each other when we were in infancy.

By a twist of fate, we were able to meet again this summer and many things happened.

By a twist of fate, we are no longer single.

By a twist of fate, you will leave HK a few days later.

Busy

I have been very busy since the first day of school.

The three-hour orchestra rehearsal is very time-consuming. Besides that, because of some reasons, I am studying with two piano teachers. It is very stressful for me because they teach in different ways. I have to practise a lot because I want to learn as much as I can before going to the USA. And I need to accompany two violinists. They both give me demanding works. One is Mendelssohn Violin Concerto 1st mvt and another one is Mozart Violin Sonata in B-flat major, K454. But I am so glad that S decided to switch to play Mendelssohn instead of Tchaikovsky one month ago. Then I only to have work on two accompanying pieces only. I have finished going over the notes of the Mendelssohn 1st mvt and I am trying to polish it and play it on tempo.

The Mozart seems to be not very difficult. However, the piano part is quite difficult indeed. My classmate did some research on this piece and he told me that in this Mozart Violin Concerto, the piano is actually the "main character" rather than the violin. To certain extent, it is possible to say "the violin accompanies the piano". I predict that I will have to spend much time to practise this piece with my classmate.

Addiction

I have drunk pretty much coffee these few days. Frankly, should be too much. I am addicted to coffee and it is quite impossible to ask me not to drink it.

G was worried about that and he decided to help me fight the addiction to coffee. I asked him what if he fails to do that. He answered me very confidently, saying that he will persist and succeed.

Haha, just see whether G can do it.

Stressed

MTD programme started yesterday.

To me, the programme is quite tough because I aim at spending more time on piano practice. However, today I realised that it is not easy to do that. As I join the orchestra, I have to attend rehearsals every Wednesday. It starts at 6:30p.m. and ends at 9:30p.m. Most classes finish at around 4p.m. and many orchestra members go practice within this period of time. There is a shortage of practice rooms. This afternoon I could hardly find an empty room to practise piano. At last, I had to "borrow" practice room from a senior student. I managed to practise two hours which is definitely not enough for me especially I am doing some very demanding pieces currently.

I never allow deterioration in my piano playing. There was a moment that I felt so stressed when I was in the practice room. I think I need a rest.

A gift

Yesterday I received my first gift from a boy. It was G whom I have known him for many years. To be accurate, should be since infancy as our parents are very good friends.

We had high-tea in the coffee shop of Ritz-Carlton hotel. The proportion of the tea set was quite big. G and I decided to order one set only and shared the food. It was so delicious and I especially liked the blueberry cheesecake. We chatted for a few hours until the waiter asked us to leave since the buffet dinner was fully booked and they needed our table.

As I live quite close to Central, so I usually go home on foot. G walked with me. My whole family went out. Indeed I was not supposed to let a boy come into my flat when no one else was at home. However, I saw G sweating and I asked him to come in and wash his face if he wanted to. After a while, he suddenly took out a bag and gave it to me. I was so surprised because I didn't expect that he would buy a gift for me. I unwrapped the gift and it was a porcelain figure of two little kids(a boy and a girl) flying kite. It was handmade and the craftwork was very delicate. I liked it so much that I didn't want to put it down. And I noticed that he was so happy when he knew that I like the gift.

When my mom came back, she laughed at me again. That made me feel so embarrassed but I could hardly resist smiling.

Please

I really appreciate your consistence but I sincerely hope that you can give up before it is too late. I have to tell you that I am a very determined person. It is quite difficult to change my mind if I have made my decision already.

You should know that I am going to the USA a few months after. Why do you still think of having a relationship? You have done lots of things to please me. "Thank you very much" is the only thing that I can say. But at the same time, you also have done many things that make me feel uncomfortable. Checking my social life is a typical example. I have many good friends and it is nothing special that I have lunch or dinner with them. I think it is none of your business what kind of friends I hang out with. Please do remember that you are not my parents and you don't have the right to ask me. Do you know how annoying it is? Maybe asking this question has become your habit already and you don't even think of considering my feelings.

Please kindly stop asking me too much about my social life. Thank you.

After concert

I always like the time after concert because I can get new pieces. I don't have to practise 1st movement of Grieg Concerto anymore temporarily and I have planned to learn 2nd and 3rd movements later but definitely not now.

My piano teacher asked me what pieces I would like to learn. My answer was "any work by Liszt". She gave me two suggestions: Un Sospiro and Hungarian Rhapsody No.11. I didn't want to learn Un Sospiro because I heard it too many times in music camp this summer. Hungarian Rhapsody No.11 is an exciting piece but not my favourite one. I asked my teacher if I can do No.6. She said that it is possible but No.6 is a lot more difficult than No.11. When I took a quick look at the score, with no doubt, it was really true. No.6 has many passages that have consecutive octaves. Comparing to it, No.11 seems much easier. I struggled for a period of time and my final decision was No.6 because I wanted to learn the more challenging.

Besides Liszt, my teacher suggested me to practise Chopin Etude Op.10 No.4. This is to improve my finger works. I was so excited when she said that because it's one of my favourite Chopin Etudes. Just hope that I can handle two new pieces at the same time.

Red wine

I tasted my first red wine a few weeks ago. It was a dinner with my dad's secondary school classmates and their family. I never thought of taking alcoholic drinks before 18 and especially I was sick on that day. Then I saw all the "kids" drinking red wine. I asked my mom if I could sip a bit. Surprisingly, she said yes and later she just gave her glass to me.

Honestly, I didn't really like the taste of red wine. It was slightly bitter since it was pure red wine but the percentage of alcohol was very low. However, I finished the whole glass because when the wine reached my sore throat, I felt like it was being burnt. That made me feel comfortable for a short period of time.

Two days ago in a dinner with my relatives, I drank red wine again. This time it was blueberry wine that contained 10% alcohol. It was said that the percentage is quite high. But it tasted a lot better than pure red wine. It was a little bit sweet and actually, quite delicious. That's the reason people may get drunk more easily because they may intend to drink much wine that they can handle. I told my aunt that I love the blueberry wine very much. She said that next time I can try whisky. Of course, I will have to add lots of ice into it. Looking forward to trying it.

New start

I haven't updated my blog for a few weeks. The reason was that I had been concentrated on the preparation for a concert. Indeed I just performed one movement of Grieg Piano Concerto. Honestly it is not a very difficult concerto, comparing to Rachmaninoff, Chopin, Liszt etc. However, I still had to spend lots of time to practise because it is a very famous concerto and I had a feeling that I must try to do as much as I can. There is no such thing called "perfect music". You can think of something to improve each time you practise. Since I am a perfectionist, I never feel satisfied of my playing. As a result, I had spent most of my time on this piece for the past few weeks. I thought about this piece in my mind all the time even when I was on the MTR or having meals.

Finally it came to the concert. It was my first time that I didn't feel nervous at all before performing. I used to shiver when I was waiting to play. However, I was just so calm yesterday. When it was my turn, I just walked out to the stage and took a bow. At that moment, I realised that I actually love performing on stage very much. I was so happy when I saw the audience clapping their hands. I messed up lots of notes actually but there was something which I did better than before. That was I was very confident even when I heard my wrong notes. And also, I think I was able to convey my feelings to the audience. I always failed to do that because when I was young, my attitude towards playing piano on stage was like a student finishing homework. However, last night it was entirely different. I could feel that I was enjoying the performance and I didn't want to leave the stage. I remember my teacher told me, "A good performance does not mean playing all the notes correctly. But it means whether you can play it by your heart and allow the audience to understand your emotions and feelings. Music is a language and it has the power to let people understand you. Wrong notes do not mean anything. Just forget about the notes when going up to the stage." I think I could do it last night finally. To me, this improvement symbolizes a new start in my piano playing.

My Chinese has been deteriorated rapidly after CE. I will begin to write in English in the future. Also, my secondary school life is over. I am going to take MTD programme in BU these coming few months before I go to college in the USA. I think these two changes represent two brand new starts of my blog and school life.